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Rédac anglais 2 28/02/08 à 22:14

Bonjour,

est-ce que quelqu'un peut me corriger ma rédaction anglais ? SVP !!!

Je devais inventer l'histoire d'un homme dans l'avion et je devais utiliser les temps du passé, c'est à dire Simple Past et Past Continuous. Donc je suis pas sûr si je les ai bien utilisé...

Merci d'avance.

Paul is a businessman. He’s sixty. He went to New York because he had an important conference. The first class was full and he had to go to economic class. He ate too much and e wanted to go toilet but he didn’t know where it is. He asked hostess. When he got up, he tripped over an old lady. She was shocking, was beating off and he was falling. He couldn’t move because his spine was breaking. He needed to help so a hostess was arriving. She tried to carry him but he was too big so five men were coming to help his. They carried him and were helping him to sit down. He hurt so much that he asked a sleeping pill. When the plane landed, the ambulance arrived quickly and he went to hospital.

Ancien membre 
Rédac anglais 1/2 29/02/2008 à 11:17
A ta place, j'aurais tout de suite commencé au passé : Paul WAS a business man, he WAS sixty.
Ensuite, je crois qu'il est plus juste de dire "He wanted to go TO THE toilet but AS he didn't know where it WAS he asked THE hostess."
Après, "She was shocking, she BEAT off and he FELL. He couldn't move ANYMORE"
"He needed HELP (pas de "to"), the hostess CAME"
"He was too HEAVY" (plutôt que "big") so, five men CAME to help HER. Then (pas besoin de répéter qu'ils le portent), they HELPED (ça répète un peu trop le verbe help mais bon...) him to sit down. He WAS SO HURT"
Pour finir, "He went to THE hospital".

Voilà, en espérant t'avoir aidé et ne pas avoir dit trop de bêtises... Neutral
IntoTheRainbow  
Rédac anglais 2/2 29/02/2008 à 11:34

Paul is a businessman. He is sixty years old. He went once to New-York because he had an important conference. The first class was full, so he had to travel in economic class. He ate too much and wanted to go to toilets bu he didn't know where they were. He asked an hostess. When he got up, he tripped over an old lady. She was shocking, beating off and then he felt. He couldn't move because of his spine broken. He needed help when an hostess arrived. She tried to carry him out but he was too big so five men came to assist her. They lifted him and helped him to sit. Paul was criing so loud that he asked a sleeping pill. When the plane landed, the ambulance arrived quickly and carried him to hospital.

Ca me semble plus juste au niveau des temps (tu emploies du progressif a la place d'employer le preterit).
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